Part One can be found here

It’s difficult when partners pull in opposite directions. What constitutes compromise? When two views are diametrically opposed, compromise evolves into concession. When you concede once, do you lose your negotiating power for the next altercation, or is your bargaining position stronger? There is also the consideration, if I get my way, can I live with forcing a big decision on my partner?

I have wanted this for a long time. The more time that passed, the more desperate the desire. In spite of my longing, it was important to me, that the Mister come to this conclusion on his own without me nagging or issuing a ultimatum (not my style).

Moving was a joint goal when the Mister and I met. His divorce wasn’t final (a three year production), and he wanted to remain here until his youngest graduated high school… Then we tried to plan our move around my having employment secured in the new location… After 9/11, the bottom fell out of the job market… and later there was a honeymoon period in the middle of our marriage when we bought a house. His job was going well, and mine presented the illusion of having a future…. Then we waited for the youngest to finish college… when my job went to hell in a hand basket and I was ready to call a real estate agent.

Our goal was ostensibly the same, but the timing…

SInce the Mister’s decision, I’ve been busy making preparations to sell the house. Packing up clutter for storage, re-grouting the shower, scrubbing baseboards, pressure washing, cleaning windows….yadda, yadda, yadda. It’s a level of cleaning women seldom attempt unless they fear being judged by a mother-in-law or a real estate agent.

I suggested we take another trip to the prospective moving destination to make sure we felt the same way about it. We looked at property online an made arrangements to look at several places with an agent. I thought would spend a few days with the agent and then have a few days to explore…

We spent five hours a day for four fucking days with the agent. A wise friend nailed it best, “Realtors stick to you like shit on a sandal.” Yup.

Before we left on our fact finding mission, the Mister and I were both leaning toward the same property. We visited that property three different times. The first time, we were captivated, the second time we were observant, the third time, we were skeptical. That part kinda sucked, because this was like our safety house….

Total, we saw 13-15 properties. Three were possibilities we could make work. Then the realtor pulled a rabbit out of his ass and made an unscheduled stop…

It happened in January.

We were driving home from the Mister’s parent’s (the One Eyes) home. His parents are still in assisted living, but renovations are underway. The One Eye’s want to return home. The Mister and two brothers are opposed, but rather than seizing control of the situation they are placating the One Eyes with stall tactics which could backfire.

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I don’t believe it is proper to tease people, especially when they are unable to make responsible decisions regarding their well-being. I think it is cruel and disrespectful to offer a person the promise of hope when you don’t plan to follow through. However, I didn’t grow up in their family. Maybe for them this acceptable. I clearly don’t understand it, so perhaps I shouldn’t judge.

I watched the Mister and his brother walk through the One Eyes’ home discussing which aspects of the renovation their mother would not approve. The guys were getting completely wrapped around the axle about minor things like how a piece of molding fit, or an aesthetic blemish, but ignoring larger issues like climbing steps to enter the home. Obsessing over appliances and ignoring the 800 lb. gorilla in the room.

It is difficult to witness two grown men reduced to nit picking inconsequential details and refusing to discuss the real issue, what happens after the One Eyes return home? I walked outside. This was a moment of communication between brothers. Some men complain about women reading into situations and speaking in code. Sorry guys, we aren’t alone, we’re just more vocal.

I wanted them to experience the gravity of the moment unclouded by the presence of a woman who disapproved of their inertia. I’ve run out of things to say about the situation and seldom offer opinions about it anymore. Mostly I sit quietly, listen, and try to learn from their experience. I have a mother too, and could easily find myself in a similar situation. I don’t expect it to be any easier, but I’d rather make new mistakes than old ones.

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The drive home was quiet. He adjusted the radio while I watched the world pass. He broke the silence, “I’m ready to put our house on the market”. I paused for thought. I wasn’t sure if my brain was processing his message. My heart said believe, but my mouth uttered, “do you really mean it?”

“Yes, I kept waiting for the right time, but there’s always one more thing…There’s always going to be one more thing.”

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For relevant posts to the moving saga, read here and here.