I suppose there are advantages to burying you head in the sand. If you are unaware of what happens around you, your are absolved of responsibility and therefor, guilt. Okay, maybe not that last one.
I mentioned earlier my husband’s family was engaged in remodeling his parents home, so they could divide their time between assisted living and being cared for in their home. It seems procrastination has outlived its usefulness and the plan will come to fruition before the year expires.
Throughout the renovation process, the One Eyes have been brought home to view progress as the painting was completed and new carpeting installed. A few weeks ago, my BIL and his wife drove to the property to work on touch-up painting, and were surprised to discover the One Eyes had driven themselves to the property. Neither One Eye has a valid driver’s license, but that is hardly a deterrent when you have the reasoning capacity of a kindergartner and an operational set of car keys.
My BIL is not one for confrontation, so he said little about the escapade and opted instead to follow them back to the assisted living facility. Twice, Mrs One Eye drove completely off the road (the entire car width…not just a tire width), she also crossed the centerline a few times. When they arrived at the AFL, BIL talked to them about their irresponsibility. They were sheepish and a little defensive, but not remorseful.
During, the course of interaction, BIL obtained the car keys. Before he left, Ole One Eye asked him if he had the keys. He owned up to having them. Ole One asked for them, but BIL wouldn’t give them back, and left.
The Mister has been praising BIL for escaping with the car keys. He finally asked what I thought about it. I said I wasn’t ready heap praise on BIL yet, but if kept the keys for a month without caving, I’d consider it.
BIL is easily intimidated by the One Eyes. I’ve listened to make idle threats about selling their vehicles before, because he knew where the Power of Attorney was, and they had no business driving, and Ole One Eye’s vision was deteriorating quickly, and the doctor said Mrs One Eye shouldn’t drive either. He’s had their car keys in his possession in the past, and HE GAVE THEM BACK.
I don’t think it’s easy to confiscate your parents car keys. It’s their last grip on independence. I just believe some of us are more resigned about being the target or irrational anger, and not nearly as scared of our parents as others are.
If this takes, I’ll be proud of BIL. I’m just not going to praise him for growing a pair, until I see the short and curlies taking root.
October 14th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
I guess, in a family that doesn’t communicate well, changing the dynamic from parents taking care of kids to kids taking care of parents is neigh impossible.
I hope BIL sticks to his guns.
October 14th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
amen on you!
them short and curlies will take root eventually. if it takes a automobile accident to make it happen, then that’s how it goes. Hopefully, that won’t be necessary!
good luck for all around.
October 14th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
It’s tough to be an adult and not give in to the child within who continues to want to please mommy and daddy. However, when two people continue to show complete disregard for their safety and the safety of others (even though it’s due to diminished capacity), then someone else must be the adult. If it takes an intervention with the police to help BIL maintain a backbone, keep the keys and sell the car…then so be it. Better that then the Mister’s parents get into the car and kill an innocent family.
October 14th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Since you are “just the DIL”, why don’t you copy my comment and show the Mister…maybe leave it lying around where he’s sure to find it. You can always claim ignorance as to how it found it’s way to the kitchen table : )
October 14th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
What lynn said. In LA Law terms, i view BIL as an accessory before the fact if anything were to happen.
Even a month is too short. It needs to be forever.
October 14th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Bob, it’s a combination of poor communication, and too many cooks spoil the broth. With so many brothers involved (4) it’s difficult to reach a consensus and present a united front. In this instance, everyone knows they shouldn’t drive, but no one wants to be the bad guy.
rachel, I hope it want be necessary to do this the hard way either. For the sake of all the innocent bystanders.
Lynn, BIL is the one shouldering most of the responsibility for the day to day responsibility of the One Eyes, the brothers have been deferring all actions to him since he is the one close by. I’m not defending my husband in this, he is also grown up and needs to take responsibility and help BIL by presenting a united front. I’ve been rather bold about expressing my opinion on this particular situation, just short of straining my marriage, so I probably won’t leave the note on the table…it’s too damn subtle, anyway
meno, I think ALL the sons are accessories. All I meant about the month, was if he were able to keep the keys for a month, he probably wouldn’t be tempted give them back. The first thirty days are the hardest.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:42 am
sheesh. I cannot imagine living with such tender flowers. It’s time to admit that even though I find my mother bold and intrusive, I share her outspokenness.
October 16th, 2008 at 11:10 am
de, I don’t think my abruptness is appreciated. I try to keep my mouth closed when dealing with the Mister, and complain to a friend when he isn’t around.
October 24th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
It’s a hell of a lot easier to be the one shouldering the blame than to know your inactivity caused innocent deaths. That’s just like handing a drunk the keys and saying “Head out into the school zone, buddy!!”
How does the assisted living facility handle this? Wouldn’t they be responsible as well? They have to be aware of the One Eyes diminished capacities. Maybe someone can anonymously inform the state.
Ok I was just kidding there, but still.
November 2nd, 2008 at 9:10 pm
sari, I don’t think I could be passive about the situation if it were my parent, but I guess I’ll know the real answer in 5 -10 years….too close.
The ASL doesn’t have the power to legally prevent them from driving, or prevent them from leaving the facility. They can only “assist” them if patients allow them to do so.