A friend once told me, “You can’t prevent a disaster from running it’s natural course.” She had four years of sobriety, a bankruptcy, an ex-husband, and a failed greyhound farm behind her. What she didn’t discuss, was how frustrating it is to calmly watch things go hell in a hand basket. That takes a special a special kind of zen or complete disregard for humanity.

I haven’t mentioned my in-laws since we screwed over the Mister’s younger brother moved. Aging has been a popular topic. I prefer not to dwell on the drama with the Mister’s parents, but others’ experiences can be useful when you attempt to map out your own.

In January I mentioned the possibility of the Mister’s parents, the One Eye, leaving the Assisted Living Facility and returning to their own home. In order for them to return, it is necessary for the house to be semi-gutted, painted, re-carpeted, cleaned, appliances, windows replaced, and sheet rock repaired. That doesn’t include the retrofitting required to make the house handicap accessible; handrails for bathrooms, ramp to enter the door.

The contractor hired was an abomination of ethics violations hand-delivered from Satan. The good news is eight months have passed, and the work is still incomplete. The bad news is the contractor started bypassing the Mister and his brother for advances and approval and went straight to Ole One Eye. I’m not sure what the final tab was on the remodeling, but I am certain the contractor abused the situation. Don’t rely upon the kindness of others when it comes looking after aging parents. You are their best advocate. Grace extended from others is a bonus not a given.

The return home has conditions. They will have constant supervision. One proposed plan is for the One Eyes to visit the home for 6-8 hours a day. They would leave the ALF in the morning, transported by caregivers spend the day at their home, and transported back the ALF in time for dinner to spend the night. This plan is favored by the sons. The back-up plan, is to return them to their home with twenty-four hour care. The back up plan is the back up plan only because there is a fear that once they return, they won’t be able to pry Mrs One Eye out of the place.

Being in excess of three hundred miles from the situation, affords me the luxury of not being affected by such a change, but it does not prevent me from giving a shit.

The cost of twenty-four hour care is obscene at best. At the most frugal cost, the services rendered are basic. Light housekeeping, light cooking, shopping, and transporting. Typically, the cheapest providers are not insured, and have minimal medical training, if any. The team of four which have been interviewed, have requested being paid in cash (Red flag, maybe?) There are agencies which offer the same service for a higher cost, but their staff have typically undergone background checks.

My SIL fears the One Eyes will go through caregivers like toilet paper, driving away any assistance that isn’t bound by an agency or a contract. Supposedly, the One Eyes will not have the power to hire and fire staff, that will be the sole domain of their sons. Even with a caregiver available to assist with cooking, cleaning, physical assistance. Mrs One Eye isn’t likely allow anyone to cook in her kitchen. Her kitchen and her paperwork are HER JOBS.

The son who still lives in the area and is responsible for their finances and the house remodel, has plans to build his home near the One Eyes’ homestead. I think his religious leanings have convinced him, this is the right thing to do, but emotionally, I don’t think he will be able to handle what it requires. True, he won’t be a twenty-four care giver, but should the hired staff fail to meet their obligations, I think he would expect his wife to. If you are unable to deal with your parents, I don’t think it is fair to expect your spouse.

I could offer a laundry list of friends, family, and physicians who believe it is a bad idea for the One Eyes to return home. I believe three out of four sons also think it is a bad idea. I don’t know why they persist in trying to actualize this disaster if they truly believe it is a bad idea. My inner uneducated freudian suspects their sons are seeking approval. It has been a lifelong quest of all yielding no acknowledgment, much less a reward. It saddens me on their behalf, yet my vicarious pity serves no useful purpose.

The silver lining is….
they remain heavily supervised in assisted living, and their house will not be ready for occupancy this month.

The not so silver lining…
Ole One Eye’s mental capacity is diminishing. He is hallucinating. He sees fleas fish eggs bees wasps. He isn’t nuts. This is symptomatic of a legitimate medical condition, for which there is medication available. No one seems to know why he isn’t on the medication, nor has anyone spoken to his primary physician about the psychosis or getting a referral to the appropriate physician. Ole One Eye is diminishing physically. He is no longer able to walk far, and he is very unsteady. He has abandoned most attempts at basic hygiene. The vision in his remaining eye has greatly diminished, and no longer reads or dials telephone numbers without assistance. Mrs. Ole One is probably shoving him into an early grave. She yells at him, she gets in his face, and she doesn’t let up about wanting to go home. Her strength is actually improving, but her basic understanding and comprehension are not.

These seniors can no longer be held responsible for their actions. All the hateful words, and manipulative statements are simply a means to an end. Like toddlers, their goal is to get what they want, nothing more and nothing less. Attempts to reason with them yield short-lived victories, because the One Eyes forget what they agreed to, or they discard it. Fear of being disrespectful, forever traps their sons in the process of negotiations. Respect is a two way relationship, not one of constant submission.