I was talking to my sister Friday evening, and she started one of these, “You’re never going to believe what grandma said…” conversations. These are typically entertaining forays into the world of octogenarian logic. Wit and wisdom conveniently sprinkled with bitterness and paranoia. The statements are true, but the incidents that lead up to them are usually built on a crumbling foundation of science fiction and Dr Seuss.
Grandma disclosed to my sister the REAL reason I moved. Apparently, I relocated because I didn’t want to be part of the big decision making. She sort of neglected to mention which big decision making she was actually referring to. She could be referring to herself as she is absolutely paranoid that she will fall asleep one evening in her ginormous king sized bed with her beloved cat, Cry Baby only to wake up the following morning restrained on a single bed, in a sea foam green room, that smells like urine and baby powder. She IS eighty-eight, so it is a legitimate concern. What she doesn’t realize is that is completely out of my jurisdiction. I am her grandchild, not her child, so effectively my voting power is nil.
I have obvious affection for the woman. I gave her eiswein for Christmas, in spite of her protest of being a baptist. I don’t bat my eyes when she says, “shit”, and I still eat her home cooking, though its glory days expired prior to the Y2K scare.
She could have been referring to the situation regarding my in-laws, but let’s face it, I don’t, nor have I ever had, any influence of their care. Maybe that’s a good thing, maybe it’s a bad thing. We will never really know, will we?
Maybe she was referring to my responsibilities regarding my own mother’s care. Today, my mother is completely able to handle all her basic needs. It isn’t like she has two feet wedged on the gas pedal trying to outrun the staff at the nursing home. She does need help with larger task: trimming shrubbery, removing pine straw from the roof, taking animals to the vet.
Over the past two years, I have spent as much time preparing my mother’s house to be put on the market (her idea to sell) as I have my own. She changed her mind after the appraisal. Sentimental attachment has no influence over fair market value in the midst of a real estate slump. Frequently, I have shown up at her doorstop to take care of maintenance without being prompted. I have made arrangements, and enlisted help to relocate an ass load of furniture from one antique mall to another one three hours away. I don’t take it upon myself to pitch in because I’m looking for praise or credit (and I’m not looking for credit now). I do it because it is the right thing.
Few things Grandma says surprise me any more, but this one…. I thought she knew me better, or at least had an inkling of type of person I became. I don’t have difficulty accepting responsibility, nor do I have difficulty making decisions and accepting the consequences. I don’t even mind admitting fault when it is clearly mine (this took a lot of work). I can’t be expected to take responsibility of those who CHOOSE not take responsibility for themselves, and as for those confined to a small cell chewing thorazine and creating macaroni and glue sculptures, on some level, they become the responsibility of all. What I struggle with, is determining the best path from where I am to where I want to be. So there is a molecule of truth in what she said, but not enough to merit a sweeping statement. I wish she had listened to me more, so she might have gotten to know me better.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Well seriously, she might just be 88 and not really thinking all that clearly.
I mean, I know you better and i didn’t know you when you were knee high to a grasshopper.
July 21st, 2008 at 8:52 pm
maybe she does know you better but her mind has either reverted to a different time in your life, or she’s thinking of you as someone else. Getting older can totally fuck with the mind. I’ve seen it in my grandmother who says the darn stupidest paranoid things one day and then spouts utter wisdom the next.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:17 pm
My vote is that she’s thinking about herself and therefore not thinking logically. I have a tough time keeping the facts straight if I’m scared or stressed, and I’m not even half 88.
Another thought is that something, possibly an offhand remark or a hastily expressed disappointment, created a kernel of an idea that has grown in her mind, unbidden. That’s my mother to a T. She’s like a wicked game of Telephone all by herself.
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:18 am
The mind can do funny things as a person ages. I think what Maggie said makes sense, she remembers you at a different time and not who you are now.
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:15 pm
meno, there are ALWAYS props for being 88, but don’t let age sway you too much. She is very sharp, and not above manipulation.
Maggie, I can say with confidence, and pride, she knows who I am. I hope I will be as lucky to have my mind in tact at her age. She is not above being flip.
De, she is not above being flip. She has never been much of a listener. She nods on cue, but she has already dismissed you and is thinking about something else. She’s always been prone to snap judgments, and unwilling to hear people out much less allow them an opportunity to defend themselves.
andrea, I think she still holds the teenage version of me against me, not that there is much to be done about it. And yes aging is cruel. She’s been a lucky woman in that department, she may not remember where her reading glasses are, but she has superior capability to most her age. We’ve been very lucky.
July 22nd, 2008 at 3:11 pm
My grandma was the same as what De describes - before her descent into dementia - and you really had to take it all with a grain of salt sometimes.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:30 am
Maybe she said that because she does want you to help with “The big decision”. Maybe it’s you she trusts to have her best interest at heart. Maybe now she is afraid that you won’t provide your input, and advocate for her…or maybe not…just sayin’
July 26th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
It seems to me that many people, old and young, publish a personal book on life and people and stick to their ideas though the contrary is shown to them all the time.
July 27th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
qt, when she tried to open a can of corn with a meat cleaver, I took it with a grain of salt. This requires a little more thought.
Lynn, if that’s her motive, then she wants to be certain there is no big decision. She’d be content for things to remain as they are, and I as far as I know, they will
crazymumma, an excellent reminder those books should never be published, just written in pencil to allow changes.