This sparked a series of counter posts. These are the responses I know about: Bob, Meno, Bob again, and Julie Pippert. If you know of others, send me the link and I will add them.

The thinking person’s argument has been carefully weighed, and I’ve nothing to add. I believe each scenario is unique, thus so are the solutions. Put your marriage first, and choose the approach that best honors you and your partner’s relationship.

I had a husband once, before I met the Mister. By had, I don’t mean a sexual relationship or a marital one. He was a former classmate. He was married, I was single and we were friends. During his “salad days” he worked as a firefighter and his wife waited tables. I crashed at my Mom’s house most weekends, and he frequently dropped by because he was off work 48 hours at a time. The friendship was founded on loneliness and availability.

We hung out watched movies, built bird houses, or walked plowed fields. This was nothing like my female friendships. There was a blunt straightforwardness about it that didn’t require me to stay up into the wee hours of morning discerning if he said what he meant or if he was attempting to drop a hint, or respond to something delicately. It was strictly what-you-see-is-what-you-get.

Our friendship wasn’t public knowledge, but his wife was aware of it, as was my family. We didn’t spent time together independent of his wife when she was off work. She was never excluded from the relationship. If she was off, the three of us would spend time together. She was not a jealous person, and trusted both of us unequivocally.

She endured her share of trash talk. If we ate dinner where she was employed, another server might say something catty like, “Your husband is here with you girlfriend..” Invariably she would walk over, speak, then return her customers and work mates as if this were perfectly normal. She handles drama with unflappable grace. If I had felt their marriage was compromised at any time, I would have abandoned friendship without protest.

My family was amused. They often referred to him as my husband. He was present for family dinners and adopted into the fold. If anyone suspected any impropriety, it was never discussed with me. Regardless of appearance, the nature of the relationship was never inappropriate.

There are good reasons for partners to be mindful of opposite sex relationships. There was an incident when the tension was palpable. Neither of us acted inappropriately. We quietly disengaged and he went home. We never discussed it. It’s possible, I was the only one who noticed. I respected the trust I had been granted by his partner, and I continued to honor it.

Over the years, I played the “what if game”. I suppose it’s human nature to ask those questions of yourself the better you know a person. It was nothing more than a mental chess match, but I later discovered I hadn’t played alone.

It was an open conversation, instigated by him. It was handled in the same matter-of-fact tone we used when we discussed cutting plexiglas. I suspect the object of his concern, was my not having a mate. He was very happy in his union, and he wanted the same for me. He feared that my advancing age (24) might make me difficult to market, but he did marry at nineteen. He told me if I didn’t find someone, he would take care of me when I was eighty. He also asked if we would have been a good a match, if he hadn’t met his wife first. I concluded two people who possess the same flavor and degree of stubbornness would be unlikely to bring out the best in each other in a long term relationship.

After I met Mister Hombre, I spent less time with my “husband”. The Mister had trouble grasping the nature of the friendship even though he had platonic female friends. The friendship I shared was more intimate than those he had established.

Today my friendship is an acquaintanceship. Life has a way of changing and our needs evolve with it. When I became involved with the Mister, his oldest was about to marry, and his youngest was eighteen. The firefighter and his wife were expecting their first child. Our paths were beginning to diverge.

The Mister never asked me to forfeit the friendship. I chose to taper it myself after watching both men engage in competitive chest puffing. I concluded spending time together didn’t bring out the best in either of them. It was like watching alpha males compete for territory. Maybe that’s a standard masculine practice to engage in before males get to know a competitor another guy. Loving two people isn’t enough to make them like each other and I wasn’t sure if I could witness the tension between them.

If I had to relive the moment again, I would change little. I had a valuable friend during the years I needed him most. I never allowed my feelings to compromise his relationship or my own.

If only it were always so simple.