Identity Crisis…. Probably Part one
My plane stopped at the gate. Passengers were standing up to retrieve their belongs. I remained seated in the back of the plane, waiting for the others to disembark, before exiting. A man walked over and sat across the aisle, and leaned towards me.
“I’m Clay.”
“Claaaay,” I repeat and my voice trails off
“We went to college together. I’m sorry, I don’t remember your name…But it has been ten years.”
I remembered him the moment he introduced himself. We exchanged pleasantries. He’s working as a professional songwriter. One of his tracks was nominated for a Grammy a few years ago. He was an exceptional painter when we were in college. It was evident the painter was dueling with the musician. I always wondered which talent would prevail.
Finally, he asked the inevitable, “What are you doing now?”
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Two years have passed since I left my job, and I am still clueless about what I am doing. Beneath it all, I feel a pang of guilt admitting I do not work. For eight years, I gave my all. I researched new technology, and accepted trial by fire projects with tight deadlines. I thought the work I was contributing really mattered, but in the end, it only mattered to me.
The harder I worked, the less information I received from coworkers. The longer the hours, the higher the expectations. Towards the end, I did other’s jobs in addition to my own. When I asked my supervisor what kind of future I could expect, he gave me a tiny raise, but no answer. My attitude became atrocious; can do quickly evolved into fuck you.
Two days before I quit, I totally lost my shit. I have a temper, but it usually doesn’t show until I’ve had my fill of B.S. After I lose it once, I loose it more frequently before I beat my temper into submission, where it remains for months. I don’t like to get that angry it indicates a lack of self-control.
Ironically, when I lost it wasn’t at my job. The straw was a repair bill for my vehicle. I reviewed the receipt, at home. The more I studied it, the angrier I got. Rather than take the reasonable course of action and go to the repair shop to chew the manager a new asshole, I walked to Big Bertha and gave her a proper ass whipping. I neglected to wrap my hands. When I finished, I emerged with seven bloody knuckles.
I returned to work the following day with extra long sleeves. I had been holding on to my sanity by my fingernails for months. I hid a letter of resignation under my keyboard earlier in case of emergency. I had removed most of my personal effects from my office. The only two remaining, my worry rock and my coffee cup.
I had an epiphany when I was staring at a stack of job folders. In that moment, I realized I had used every resource in my power to transform that experience into a job worth keeping. I knew there was nothing left in my toy chest to change my circumstances.
I picked up the worry rock, coffee cup and brief case. I walked by the V.P.’s, desk conveniently while he was on the phone, and said “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore”. He followed me out and I surrendered my office key. He asked me to reconsider, and I responded with the unthinkable. The truth. I told him, he didn’t need me, he needed the others in my position to do their part instead of screwing around.
I still haven’t forgiven myself for walking away without proper notice. Giving up. Two years have passed. I suppose it is forgotten by all, except me. I’m fiercely loyal, but that job broke me. I could never overcome the constraints of a family-owned-nepotism-favored-females-are-inferior-what-do-you-mean-you-don’t-embrace-our-religion-of-choice-let’s-discriminate-against-minorites-and-customers-who-market-stuff-we-find-deplorable-though-not-ilegal.
Why can’t i forgive myself for escaping a bad situation? Why can’t allow myself the privilege of enjoying the fruits of the Mister’s good luck (his words, not mine). I AM lucky. I have the privilege of staying home and being a woman of leisure. I’m not a woman of inaction.
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It’s times like these that I better understand impotence. Who knew I would allow a job, even a shitty job, to define my self worth. I thought I was more mature than that.
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When I ran into Clay it was surreal. Not because I had not seen him in ten years, but the quality in his voice. Strangely, it felt like an intervention. His voice had a genuine peaceful quality about it. I can’t explain why, only that it did.
January 25th, 2008 at 1:26 am
Those Clays have those kind of voices. My Clay saved me.
Now, the question is, that peaceful voice, is it saying nice things in your head?
January 25th, 2008 at 3:22 am
a non sequitur… when can we get together? i just want to squish on you because you do deserve to be home pursuing your art. and you deserve all manner of good things.
and, you know, if you were bored, you could be doing some arty stuff for me…
i would mix drinks while you did it?!
and i have a condo in Atlanta…near the museums…am i wooing you? (it’s P I’m supposed to woo, right?)
January 25th, 2008 at 4:58 am
I so relate to this post!
January 25th, 2008 at 9:44 am
I walked off a job into the arms of a nervous breakdown. It was for personal reasons, but definitely the lousy job atmosphere helped drive me there. The final straw was when they announced that I was “employee of the quarter” instead of giving me the promotion that I absolutely had worked for, qualified for and deserved. What a slap in the face. I started a new job within a few weeks, this time on the “client” side of the table, and eventually some others I had worked with got jobs there, too. I felt ashamed, and I said to one of the women, “You probably thought I was pretty pathetic,” and she replied, “Absolutely NOT. I thought ‘Great! She got out!’ and I got out too.” That helped me forgive myself.
I hope there is a part two - I’m curious about this new path.
January 25th, 2008 at 10:22 am
I don’t really know what to say, but this post was (as usual) so beautifully written and so eloquently expressed, that it does bear some sort of response.
This touched me. That’s sort of how I feel about my job, but for completely different reasons. I am well-compensated for my work, but the work is unsatisfying, and I’m not fod of the people I work with. I don’t know why your post resonates so much for me; I think perhaps I admire your courage for walking away, I envy your ability to walk away, and I hope that some day I too, will have a Clay to give me hope and peace.
I love this blog.
January 25th, 2008 at 10:29 am
I know that you feel low about not giving notice. But I was cheering inside. How many of us dream of telling the boss the truth? Of taking that last straw and shoving it on his/her desk and just footing it out the door. You have fulfilled the fantasy of so many downtrodden workers.
And I also wanted to say that this post is beautiful - tender, vulnerable, full of strength. You are an amazing person there Chica.
January 25th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
I can identify with so many of the emotions that you have expressed here.
I guess one thing I wonder is (as only someone who is severely artistically disabled can) why isn’t just creating something everyday enough? Do you feel like it isn’t a “job” if you don’t make money from it? Because I think the people who feel like a big, empty void inside at the end of the day are people who are just showing up for the paycheck, vs if you do what you love, eventually, won’t some kind of paycheck follow?
I’m just talking out loud, here, I have no answers - if I did not have to worry about how to feed and clothe myself, I would hands down be a newspaper reporter again. The money is shitty, but I the sense of making a difference is incomparable.
January 25th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Why can’t you forgive yourself is an excellent question.
I hate it when people ask me “What do you do?”
Because the answer is, “not much.”
But i am okay with that, and you are not. Wish i knew what to say.
January 25th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
sometimes Clays show up at the time we need them most.
January 25th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
flutter, at the moment the peaceful voice isn’t saying much…it just keep reintroducing itself. The tone is more memorable than the words,like the warmth of hot tea, after emerging from a cold rainy day. Warm, comforting and enveloping the core.
liv, I’ll be in touch. It’s been an uncharacteristically busy week. I have other issues with the art. Namely making it a priority. Who knew a person could require therapy to allow themselves to leave a sink filled with dirty dishes?
Diane Mandy, I thought you might. It’s an adjustment, isn’t it?
De, there is relief in knowing others walk away and re-enter on their own terms. I can’t honestly say I want to re-enter, at least not the field I was in before. I just don’t believe in the job anymore…I don’t know if there will be a new path, but I hope there will be an end to the inertia.
rachel, I think for some people it is more important to feel job satisfaction, while others are more content with going through the motions. In many ways I envy people who can go to work and leave their troubles behind when they clock out. I just can’t seem to. I hope you will have a Clay too, when you need it most.
Maggie, I have a gift for saying things many people won’t say. THen again it might be less gifty and more balls It is flattering to think I’ve fulfilled a fantasy of the unappreciated worker. The responsibility guilt is harder for me to shake. It was a quality my parent worked hard to teach by instruction and example.
QT, talking out loud is good. It makes ideas more tangible… The lack of paycheck has something to do with it. Generally I’m the sort who doesn’t give a shit about what others think…but this title thing bothers me. I’m probably just jumping to conclusions on their behalf and assuming they will think me lazy since I don’t have a job. You have an excellent point about the impact on others, most days that’s what drives me….Thanks for reminding me of what I so easily forget.
meno, it’s a process. I hold myself more accountable than others because I’m aware that I know what I should be doing. Something I can’t say about others. I’m trying to be okay with it, but it isn’t like flipping a switch. Whatever you say is fine…I know you are being you.
jen, that seems to be true no matter what, who, or if you believe.
January 27th, 2008 at 1:41 am
So often our identies become tied into what we ‘do’ for a living rather than who we are as a person. When I took off time from work, after I had my kids, I felt so lost in the world. Whenever anyone asked me what I was up to, I felt defensive and that I had to make excuses for not be a productive (read that as money earning) part of society. I missed being able to state that I was a ___(fill in the blank with an occupation). Remember that you are a special and unique lady, and that you are loved. ((hugs))
January 27th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Whether we work or not, our lives have value. When I retired 4 years ago, I did it for many of the reasons you so eloquently state and I was not shy about sharing the reasons for my decision with my co-workers. I was good at my job yet I felt unappreciated, overworked and angry at the ridiculously poor management.
As the years have passed since turning in my badge and keys, I’ve sometimes questioned my value as a human being. I’ve had to remind myself over and over that it was not only my job that gave me purpose and worth…it’s how I live my life each and every day. And you are an amazingly talented and gifted woman…just keep that in mind.
January 27th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Its funny how a chance meeting with a virtual stranger can provoke a shift.
January 27th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Lynn, It’s hard to adjust to just being. For years I could identify myself as a student or an occupation, now I’m a wife and an instigator. The first year I was home, I didn’t adjust well at all, this year has been an improvement. Like most roadblocks, it will take time to find my way around it.
Joan, jobs are often a distraction from our purpose and worth. Obviously, i fell into that trap. Thanks for reminding me.
crazymumma, its always the nonevents that leave me shaken.
January 31st, 2008 at 2:00 pm
I know, I know. I walked out on a job once. For a long time, I felt guilty about it. I felt like I had ‘failed’, like I should have stayed and toughed it out.
That feeling goes away, Chica, especially in a situation like yours, where you were being abused. It does take time. It’s ok.
I’ve used this analogy before with a friend who is stuck in an unfulfilling, abusive job: You are in a bathtub, nice and comfy. Then someone comes in and little by little dumps waste and broken glass and all manner of nasty things into your tub. Would you stay in the tub for the sake of ‘toughing it out’? Would you blame yourself for what someone else dumped in on you? What would you tell someone else if you saw this happening to them?
And Lynn is right. We are NOT what we do. It’s hard to remember, I know.
January 31st, 2008 at 3:10 pm
nancy, great analogy. I am not job. I am not job. I am not job. So many people, upon introduction, ask, “So what do YOU do?” It’s like watching judgement being passed before they bother to find out who you are. I know I’m too sensitive about the whole matter, but I am trying to get over myself.
February 1st, 2008 at 12:36 am
so many posts, so much to think about…
hmmm.
you have hit on a whole load of my secret little hot spots….
February 1st, 2008 at 5:28 pm
amusing, we should have coffee sometime.
February 10th, 2008 at 2:53 am
I believe that if there’s a nagging voice in you asking you to do something, you should do it. Be it art, a job, whatever you want. As far as your last job, I think that if you allow yourself to be beaten forever, you are letting them win. It sucks that they made you feel that way, but now it’s only you allowing that as an excuse to keep your talents hidden. I think you know what you need to do, and I’ll be cheering you on. Now stop being so hard on yourself. Put down your whip and pick up your paint brush. Or your charcoals. Or whatever it is you freaky artists use to make magic.
February 10th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
mama P, you’re right. It’s easier to admit defeat than try something new and scary. Another factor is giving yourself permission to fail at a task. Failure is evidence you are pushing yourself outside your comfort zone. Why is it so heavy?