Last week, I sat outside watching a thunderstorm. Tree branches were backlit from lightning flashes illuminating the sky. The percussion from thunder resonated in my chest like a kettle drum, as steady rain drops changed the transparency of my blouse. The violent light show provided the perfect backdrop for the argument.
I was happier listening to the thunder…alone outside, and I feel confident, Mister Hombre was happier lounging on the sofa, playing Risk.
I understand all slights and issues aren’t worth altercations. Pick and choose according to importance, otherwise you lose credibility. Then again, maybe you lose credibility simply by being a kept woman, or simply by being a younger kept woman. I have a relatively high tolerance for crap, and can ignore it for long periods of time, but sooner or later, I become saturated and can’t pretend all prior inconsideration didn’t occur.
My parents taught me to place others needs before my own, and I’m too polite to ask my husband to choose between me and his family. It would never occur to me to place him in the same compromising positions he’s placed me. My hope was, he would choose me when it mattered most. I was wrong. It’s true, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I believe, he thinks my disappointment is easier to deflect than his family’s, and consequently I’ve become the poster child for concession. Maybe that should illuminate how stingy his family is about doling out approval, but dammit I just feel…hurt.
I’m not angry. The anger blew away with the thunderstorm. Now, I’m quiet; quiet, calm and empty. Words escape me, and purpose extends its middle finger. I’ve retired to the studio (a.k.a. the dining room) so it hasn’t been entirely unproductive (two drawings in three days is ambitious for me).
I know the responsibility to move forward is mine. This post is my opportunity to think out loud and sigh. I don’t want to be hurt. I want to be strong and inspire strength in others. Can anyone tell me how to believe in myself?
This is a gel pen drawing from my days of employment. It has NOTHING to do with this post. Well not much… Don’t take the drawing personally…
September 2nd, 2007 at 11:02 pm
This is a good start. Sometimes, it has been so long since we’ve listened to our true needs and desires, that just letting that come through is a big step.
BTW - the drawing - you have an incredible talent, you probably already know that, but I just thought I would say it any way.
September 2nd, 2007 at 11:16 pm
Anyone who can draw a middle finger like that, is someone worth believing in
Not to make light. I think we all struggle with this piece at one point or another. But you have to tell yourself, who else will believe in me more than me? I can see quite a bit in you worth believing
September 2nd, 2007 at 11:51 pm
Ah, this sounds familiar. Substitute the word “work” for family, and there you have it.
The tough news is that my Mister lost, no, threw away, his family (me and Em) for a while until he came to understand what he had lost.
All i want is to come first. Not all the time, but in the end. And i don’t want to force the issue by demanding because that makes it meaningless. Was that too much to ask? I guess, at the time, it was.
September 3rd, 2007 at 2:03 am
Sometimes inertia is the best choice. Sometimes people need a smack in the head (figuratively speaking) or a big-ass argument to finally open their eyes to what is right in front of them. Your drawing so exemplifies what you have conveyed. ((hugs))
September 3rd, 2007 at 3:54 pm
i echo QT. i also wonder why it’s so hard to find the same page. the digging in to our own corners serves such a fruitless position. i feel you, sister.
September 3rd, 2007 at 7:13 pm
Honestly? I don’t believe anyone ever comes “first” or “second” and I don’t understand the reason for the ranking.
It sounds horrible, really, that you have to deal with being put in a position of such competition. You know, your husband having to choose. That’s just…. wow.
Peace,
~Chani
http://thailandgal.blogspot.com
September 3rd, 2007 at 8:52 pm
QT, it’s a shame we couldn’t have smaller conversations along the way to circumvent an “event”. He grew up in an environment that encouraged suppressing problems, and it can make it difficult to address issues. Everything is perceived as being so damned personal….My environment encouraged being confrontational to get things out in the open for closure…Both of us need to learn how to communicate. Thanks for the compliment, I’m trying to make art a priority.
flutter, thanks for visiting. There’s a part of me that would like to iron that on a t-shirt
I wish I had learned the importance of believing when I was younger. It would have made parts of life easier. Like most things worth having, this believing thing will take a little time. Thanks for the vote of confidence.
meno, deja vu. I thought you would recognize this. It’s difficult to appreciate what we have when it is easy, and readily available. Always coming last is like being forgotten. I’m glad your Mister recognized what he was about to lose. I recognize it.
Lynn, a light smack can be in order from time to time, but the “events” just suck the life right out of me. The picture of my favorite chair seemed a little sedate for the post, the finger was closer, but a wee bit over the top…
jen, One reason is, he thinks in XY and I think in XX. There seems to be a language barrier. I’d rather discuss it and get over it, and sometimes there’s never a GOOD time. I’ll take a good debate over a spar any day.
Chani, thanks for stopping by. I don’t think ranking is conscious. It is often an attempt to shut-up the loudest protester. Addressing issues based on reactivity, allows things to fall through the cracks. I don’t envy his position either. I would be surprised if he felt like he was choosing (until I mentioned it). I suspect, he is reacting to the loudest voice.
September 4th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
I have no sublime advice, just support.
September 4th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
Sari, support is the best.
September 4th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
Sort of what Meno said, but as you know, my other half did not choose wisely–or at least in my favor. I hurt for you, and I bristle as I read your words. You’re a nicer woman than I am. Sending love and hugs… Billybob does too.
September 5th, 2007 at 9:45 am
Liv, his problems with aging parents are such much larger than my problems. If I were a lower priority to a job, or a golfing addiction, I assure you I wouldn’t understanding at all. Like I responded to Chani, I don’t think it is conscious decision, so much as it as effort to appease the loudest complaints. God knows his family raised the bar for complaining. Thank you for the support, and give Billybob an ear scratch for me.