My mind races. The stream of consciousness isn’t mapped like a river, but diffuses into distributary channels; smaller ideas, retreating from larger ones. I can focus on singular concepts, but I spend more time relating disparate situations.
Four Six days later, having returned from Liv’s, thoughts still make waves. Liv invited me to her yoga class for pussies beginning yoga class. I might be contemplative, but I’m hardly meditative. Breathing is a distraction, requiring too much concentration. It’s hard to think about breathing, when I’m preoccupied with the notion that my balance sucks and I might fall on my ass. It’s disconcerting, sitting in a room with seven hyperventilating strangers. Instead of relaxing me, it adds another dimension to those other thoughts swimming in my head.
I suppose that’s one intent of yoga, releasing yourself from the burdens of distraction and concentrating on inner peace. I’m not ready to give up control of my thoughts, yet. I’m too consumed to go cold turkey.
After the session ended, there was conversing with clients and the conversation shifted to small towns. One woman noted, that few appreciate the quaintness of THEIR small town, and are more smitten of OTHER small towns.
It’s true. My “small town” is more appealing than my sister’s “smaller town”. Liv’s “small town” has far more to offer than mine, and her soul isn’t stirred by her small town, but by a city an hour away. Desires are relative, and contentedness with geography has a grass is greener stigma attached to it.
Happiness as it relates to landscape is relative. I find my small town oppressive and seasonally impaired, but there are 40,000 others living here who find it delightful, and another 10,000 who want to live here. I’m not qualified to judge their desires, and wish them well in getting what they need. It’s reminiscent of the matrioshka nesting dolls, there are always hidden layers lurking beneath the whole.
This week, I am less consumed by location and more consumed by smaller, inconsequential details. If I can’t make life work here, under these circumstances, how can I really expect it to work in a new location, with new problems, fewer friends, and culture shock?
August 25th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
Oh, Chica! It’s the last paragraph. I had a hard 2-3 years of depression here in this small town because of something similar to what you’re going through. We’ve hashed it out, I know, but there really is a point where you begin to make a decision to be at peace with where you are. It has only been since building the studio and a life outside of marriage, that this town seems manageable. Hang in there, hon. The answers are coming…
August 25th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
Sounds to me like you did lots of contemplating…in a “post yoga contemplative sort of way”. Your final paragraph, really sums it up. Because no matter where you go, or what you do, you are still there. Unless you decide to become an alcoholic or druggie, you can’t run away from yourself and that which bothers you. Hang in there and remember that you have people who love and care about you
August 25th, 2007 at 3:49 pm
that damn yoga always pushes us towards where we need to go, even if it’s kicking and screaming.
sometimes no decision is a decision too.
August 25th, 2007 at 7:20 pm
Perhaps you CAN make your life work where you are, and then you can make it work even better elsewhere.
Because not all places are equal. But moving is hard on your soul.
I guess just keep on thinkin’ it through.
August 26th, 2007 at 9:35 am
Liv, expanding your life is challenging, but you know. It’s a slow process. I want to expand without the added burden of compartmentalizing friendships separate from marriage, but that’s another post.
Lynn, it would be easier if running away actually worked, alas it only postpones the inevitable. Thanks.
jen, I was too stubborn to actually scream out loud, because I did not want Liv to know what a sissy I am. Sage words spoken from a well centered woman, who has obviously experienced the benefits of a massage
meno, the sooner the better on the elsewhere. Thinking has its place, but I’ve been over-thinking about it too much this year.
August 27th, 2007 at 3:17 pm
meno says “not all places are equal” and I agree.
I can’t speak for the south, but the midwest has this prevailing, unspoken “thing” going on where if you want anything other than a 2 bedroom house with a dog and a kid, you think you are special or everyone else is unworthy or SOMETHING - point being, what you have is good enough, just accept it, QUIT STRIVING ~
This is something I miss about the west, and especially places like Alaska. There is more acceptance of strangeness, of oddities, and of striving to have something that just makes you happy even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone or pissing anyone off, go for it!
I don’t know if I am explaining it very well, but I think you get the idea.
August 27th, 2007 at 4:15 pm
I agree with Meno & Qt in that not all places are equal. And I hear you on the stifling of small towns - I’m in a similar dilemma myself. I’ve moved hundreds of times, I’ve lived in many small places but this town? There’s no room for people who haven’t been here for 35 plus years. Good luck on finding a better place.
August 27th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
QT, I understand what you are saying and agree completely. One reason, I enjoy reading blogs is meeting people with different experiences. Unlike many locals here (and apparently other places) I don’t embrace sameness. I prefer diversity and variety. I want to better understand where people are coming from rather than be pressured to conform.
Wayfarer, excepting the proximity of permafrost, we could be living in the same small town. I’ve found a better place, it’s just a question of timing. There are issues regarding family care that must be resolved before relocating becomes an option, which makes this an issue of stamina.