Nouns, verbs, complete sentences, coherent thought, and punctuation; it’s all a swirling mass of letters and symbols. Taming letters to form words, and beating words into submission to adequately articulate emotion seem impossible. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it writer’s block. In order to have writer’s block, one would have to be a writer. I am a philanderer of words.

I don’t know if it is diarrhea or constipation of the brain. Am I overwhelmed by too many thoughts or too few? I’ve started at least five posts. Each time, the train of thought pulls out of the station before my luggage is loaded. If I were complaining about this to my mother she would smile grandly, point to the gene pool, and say,”You’re getting older”. I would roll my eyes, and mutter, “shit”. Oversimplification.

The passing weeks have been consumed by abstract business. I don’t feel I’ve accomplished much, unless you count eliminating the free time I would normally spend over-thinking EVERYTHING. My husband would call it puttering. I hate that word. It’s the same word he uses to describe his mother’s obsessive compulsive activity. Interesting, now that the hair on the back of my neck standing up, I remember things I’ve accomplished…

Excitement.

I can’t stand being near myself when I get excited. I enjoy seeing others get excited. But for some reason, it makes me feel vulnerable. I talk too much. Reveal too much, not T.M.I. too much, more like intoxicated honesty. I’m a little relieved the Mister is at work, and can’t see me this way, but maybe that’s selfish. He would like to see me more open and less guarded. He’s a sensitive man, so restraint on my part, avoids arguments that aren’t worth having (Does this mean I’m adapting to his family’s tradition of denial? Damn, if I want to take the time to consider that now.)

Apprehensive about Blogher?

Not really. I probably should be, having a deficiency in self-esteem. As the date approaches, I consider the conference less and less. I should be reviewing tracks, and speakers, but I don’t seem to care. Blogging strategy? Building an audience? I’m lacking goals. Two years ago, I had goals, I wanted a large audience and ad revenues. I wanted validation that I wasn’t getting from my desk job. Today, I only want to make eye contact with some of the talented writers I’ve been reading. I guess that counts as a goal.