In blog hopping a few weeks ago, one writer expressed concerns about the Blogher conference and evolving group dynamics. There was concern about whether or not meeting some bloggers in person would change the way the larger group interacted. As someone who has spent decades outside the fray, I regard her concerns thoughtfully and respectfully.
Exclusionary behavior is common. A good example of kill or be killed in group interaction is high school. Oh the angst, oh the hormones, and oh the pressure to conform. Those are years will not be missed, and are largely responsible for my revulsion of the small town I once called home. Cliques extend beyond the topography of high school, college, sorority, fraternity and junior league, but do they dominate all social castes?
I’m not a social participant as frequently as I am an observer of human interaction. Group dynamics are perplexing when your main goal is to belong. I’ve struggled since childhood to fill that hole. I finally discovered, whether or not I included was partially my responsibility and not entirely dependent on whether the others voted me on or off the island.
I assumed since I didn’t receive an engraved invitation, my presence wasn’t desired. It never occurred to me my low self-esteem should be shouldering some of the blame. I was not part of groups, because I made no effort to interact with them. They weren’t trying to exclude me, they simply didn’t know I was there. In essence my snap judgement made their decision before they had an opportunity to consider it.
Exclusion isn’t always intentional, sometimes it’s simply a circumstantial
oversight. I have to accept responsibility for my own behavior. When you are withdrawn or closed, people will assume you don’t want to be a part. Body language conveys insecurity words fail to express. Words from she who is trying to learn the art of better posture and not standing with her arms crossed.
As long as people have preferences, group dynamics will persist. Preferences are extensions of individuality; they make us different, influencing cruelty, and compassion. Life would be easier, if everyone shared commonality, but would we continue to grow and blossom if life existed as a strait line without a change of plane or direction?
A few weeks ago I made a self-deprecating joke to a friend trying to apologize for my lack of contact, and remarked I was a borderline recluse. Always upbeat, she responded, “Oh, you’re not a hermit. You’re just comfortable with your sense of self.” Sure, maybe today, but it’s taking a long time to get here.
July 17th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
“I assumed since I didn’t receive an engraved invitation, my presence wasn’t desired. It never occurred to me my low self-esteem should be shouldering some of the blame… In essence my snap judgement made their decision before they had an opportunity to consider it.”
OMG in that paragraph you totally and completely captured and explained how I felt in H.S., and still feel, at times, to this day. I spent alot of time in H.S. waiting for the engraved invitation, feeling that I wasn’t ‘good enough, or pretty enough, or rich enough’ to fit in with certain groups… I never put out the effort to try to belong in those groups. (probably because most of those members were so shallow and self centered…and I didn’t REALLY want to be part of that crowd. However, I’m fairly certain, that even if I had tried to be part of that crowd, I wouldn’t have been allowed to join.
Now that I’m older (and some would say wiser, I just say bitchier)I love to approach adults in those groups, just to watch their uncomfortableness as they ponder how to react to my presence. (I can be so juvenile.)
July 17th, 2007 at 7:10 pm
It’s odd how little anxiety i feel about going to this event. I really don’t care if anyone doesn’t want to talk to me because i am an F-list blogger. But if they do, that’s cool too.
As far as exclusion, one of the few wise things my brother ever said was “Most people are sitting at home waiting for someone to call. Why shouldn’t it be me who calls.” Why indeed.
July 17th, 2007 at 9:33 pm
Lynn, sometimes we are surprised by groups who accept us. Like you, I wanted to avoid the shallow self-centered crowd. There have been a few times in my life I was shocked to find some groups weren’t as they seemed. Many had the same insecurities I did, only they were concealed better.
I wouldn’t call that juvenile. I would call it confidence in self.
meno, sister, you’re a long way from an F-list blogger, and I’m pretty sure there is at least 30+ who will agree with me. But I know what you mean about the anxiety bit, I’m not concerned about the conference either; I am concerned about my first flight getting cancelled instead. Is the wise brother, the one with the car you tuna bombed? Doesn’t matter. He’s right, but I still have trouble picking up the phone and dialing out.
July 18th, 2007 at 8:15 pm
Pardon my ignorance, but what is an F-list blogger? and why would that be a bad thing? and if it’s what I think it is, what comes after Z-list?
July 19th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
Lynn, I believe it refers to the specific popularity of a blog. But it is difficult to classify yourself when quality content content is a priority (which is certainly the case with meno). After the z-list? Some alternative non-English outfit, I suppose.
July 19th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
Thanks for the explanation. I am so envious that you and Meno will get to meet each other. When it Blogher?
July 21st, 2007 at 9:56 pm
I’m trying not to be nervous. I have tendencies of not trusting women and especially the group dynamic thereof. But, I’ve been thinking about opportunities and not letting my hang ups get in the way of taking advantage of them. Besides, I’ve gotten to know so many women in this forum that I think are awesome. The fear of trust is becoming less of an issue. Excitement is taking over.
July 22nd, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Lynn, Blogher is July 27-28. It’s a good thing too, I don’t think I can stand to wait much longer.
Maggie, when I was working, I saw female dynamics at their worst. I completely understand your reservations. I don’t think I could enter re-enter the same type of work environment, unless I had no other options. Okay maybe with a morning martini or enough chamomile tea to make me forget my first name.
I suspect most of us first time attendees have hidden fears. I’m in the process of facing few of my own, inconsequential as they are.
July 22nd, 2007 at 11:18 pm
I hope that you will describe, in great detail what your experiences were. So that if I decide to go to a Blogher Convention, I will feel somewhat prepared.
July 23rd, 2007 at 9:27 pm
Aw, you guys are going to have a blast! Because you know each other on the inside first. You will be pleasantly shocked. It’s going to feel more like a (good) reunion than the first day of high school. Trust me.
July 23rd, 2007 at 11:37 pm
Lynn, if I don’t post all the gory details, I promise I will e-mail them to you.
Nancy, I trust that you are right on this one. Actually I know you are, having ventured out and met a fellow blogger last weekend. There is a comfortable familiarity to it with a hint of promise.*shiver* first day of high school.
July 25th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
I know how you feel. I’m kind of a loner, though I like interaction with others. It seems like the internet is perfect for me, when I put in the effort, I get results.
Lately, I’ve been concentrating my effort elsewhere and I hope that people don’t think I’m ignoring them, but the end of summer only comes once a year.
I hope you have a great time this weekend!!
July 25th, 2007 at 8:39 pm
Sari, your kids are only young once. I think most people understand how changing priorities redirect our lives. Of course, new book releases that hold us rapt for days are another good reason to back away from the internet.