In January, necessity dictated to separate my inlaws, the One Eyes, for a few days. Ole One Eye had a follow-up appointment for his eye extraction, and Mrs. One Eye was hospitalized ostensibly for irregular sodium levels. Mister Hombre’s youngest brother took Ole One Eye to his home because he lived closest the eye clinic.
During the visit, Ole One Eye mentioned he would like to visit the new aquarium. His son offered to take him on the day of the appointment, but Ole One Eye said, “No, I could never do that. I couldn’t go without your mother.” He said it with the implication it would betray the sanctity of the marriage.
Their commitment is unquestionably solid. They are each other’s best friends and confidants. Their world is small and they don’t have much room for anyone who isn’t bonded by blood nor do they embrace diversity. I admire their emphasis on family, but my needs are not confined so tightly. The One Eyes’ influence over their sons’ approach to relationships is unmistakable. Their sons are attentive, and damn close to smothering.
My Mister is thoughtful, whether I require it or not. He has a sweetness about him; he wants to be my everything, the only one I need. I appreciate his desires, because I do need him. His sensitivity has been uncharacteristic of most men I’ve known, but it isn’t an adequate replacement for the company of women or friends outside family.
I’ve treated the blogging thing with kid gloves in regard to him. He doesn’t quite understand why it’s been so important, though he’s tried. He’s intrigued by it, and I worry he is a little threatened by it. He is mystified by my desire to interact with people who extend beyond the realm of my experience. I’m not a sociable creature until I get to know you, really know you. What better way to study a person’s self than to strip away the cosmetic trappings, the social status, the geography, and the accent.
Our last day in Chicago, we had a scheduling hiccup and missed a free John Mayer concert, and a few other details slipped through the cracks as well. I didn’t concern myself with missteps, because I was trying to be fluid about the trip and overcome my obsession with planning. For the first time in months I was caught up in enjoying the moments, the moments with him. He looked at me and said, “I bet you’ll have a better time when you come back to Chicago and meet your friends.” I felt like crap. As usual, I’m not explaining my different needs adequately. I get so god damn tired of explaining myself.
I don’t blame him for feeling that way. Because he does, I worry that I’m inadvertently sending out mixed signals. There’s no reason he should feel threatened. It’s a different need, not some sort of relationship debacle where one of us falls short.
There’s no reason for competition. Two sides of a coin don’t compete, they coexist. These are two separate elements filling two different voids.
July 9th, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Isn’t it funny what hits you when you read a post? I mean, I can’t get past missing a free JM concert… I try to avoid skipping one of my boyfriend’s shows. It’s so disloyal feeling.
July 9th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
and yes, Clarity and a bunch other good songs escaped you.
July 9th, 2007 at 6:16 pm
I’m going to throw this thought out there, and then i think i am going to disagree with it, at least a little bit.
But i am finding that my man, who is of an age with yours (and me) has become more……more……needy of me over the years, whereas i have headed in the other direction a bit. Nothing too dramatic, but it is there. And i wonder if it is an aging type of thing.
Now the disagreement. Yours (i think you implied) has always been like this. Mine is thrilled for me to be going to Chicago, although he’ll miss me. So maybe i am full of crap. (likely)
I will end with saying that it is a bad mistake to think that anyone person can be all to anyone, except maybe a mother to an infant, for a while. It’s hard to reach out and have friends if you are always having to be careful of someone’s ego. But you knew that didn’t you?
July 9th, 2007 at 9:17 pm
my husband actually didn’t speak to me for two days after I posted about blogher. he’s that jealous.
He seems similar to Mr. Hombre: devoted son, thoughtful husband, doesn’t need other people beyond me to feel complete.
Luckily, my mother-in-law is great. Otherwise I would resent her. When he’s thoughtful, it’s often what HE thinks I want, not what I really want. Sometimes when he says no one could love me as much as he does, it sounds like a threat.
I don’t know exactly what has been said about the inequality of each relationship, that one person loves more than the other. I don’t know if it’s right to say more, when it may be just different.
July 10th, 2007 at 6:45 pm
First of all let me start by apologizing for being a complete idiot. Everyday, I have been checking your website, and wondered why you never posted anything, after the first post. Finally, today I was speaking with my sister who told me you had posted. WTF. So I looked at the address that I had bookmarked and lo and behold, it had the date from your original post…and that is why I have not commented here.
That being said…I have now faithfully read each and every post, and am pissed off that I didn’t get to comment on them. So here are my thoughts for today’s post…I think that many men feel the same way as the Mister. I wonder if they are trying to redo their relationships with their own mothers.
July 10th, 2007 at 7:50 pm
“There’s no reason for competition. Two sides of a coin don’t compete, they coexist. These are two separate elements filling two different voids.”
This is perfect.
July 11th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
liv, I had a feeling the name dropping would strike a chord with you. After I found him listed in your blogroll, I just had to throw it out there.
oh and liv, I did hear him doing his sound check when I was walking through grant park near Lake Michigan.
meno, I haven’t spent enough years with Mister Hombre to say whether or not this is age related (eight years). I have been told by various members of the peanut gallery, that my predecessor (his ex) was a very needy and demanding woman. If true, Mister Hombre may have reached this destination before I was in the picture.
His ego isn’t such that he would try to deprive me of other friendships, and its possible, he’s trying to understand why I need these friendships now. I wasn’t actively seeking them in the earlier in our relationship. I need them now, because I have more time alone.
De, different is a good way to describe it. Emotions are peculiar. Many times when we think we want someone to reciprocate our feelings, what we really want is someone to mirror our feelings. What we actually need, is another story. It’s so hard to get past difference and rest comfortably in acceptance.
Lynn, thanks for coming back. I’m intrigued by your theory. In in this situation it has a lot of merit. I’ve noticed the Mister doesn’t know much about the person his mother is beyond her superficial preferences. .
sari, thanks, but perfect sets the bar a little too high : ).