The evolution of ideas is peculiar, and seldom a natural, linear progression. It’s like carving a cedar block. You have an idea, but the grain of the wood is not without influence. Often you compromise your original design, but the finished product is stronger and more fluid than your initial concept.
When I write about personal things, I struggle to stay on point. It’s easy to wander aimlessly from one item to another. In my mind it’s all related, but if you aren’t living in my head, it lacks continuity. I’ve struggled with chronology and whether or not it is important. It establishes a time line that lends itself to context, but it isn’t necessarily the order in which we regard things.
As a kid, I read an article that said something to the effect of, don’t tell a child he doesn’t feel a specific emotion. Instead of telling him he doesn’t hate, ask him why he hates. The article went on to explain, feelings in and of themselves are not right or wrong, they’re just feelings. How we act on those feelings is the pivotal point.
My family struggled with feelings, and I believe most families do. To defend myself against hurt, I kept them contained. I did not deny them for what they were (sometimes in all their ugliness), but worked toward some semblance of resolution. I still struggle with the resolution. When you express your feelings freely, you are vulnerable to the judgement passed by others, and I just wanted to remain below the radar.
My husband and sister both visit Claw~less. I disclosed it, because I wanted readers, comments and dialogue. I didn’t consider the possibility of things going to Hell in a hand basket, and my needing an outlet to cope with it. I love my husband and I can talk to him about most things, but his family and the way they make me feel isn’t one of them. His family is structured differently from mine; the pecking order, the secret decoder ring rules, the denial, and the desire to please. It’s like trying to understand the mating rituals of a different species. We are all more prone to understand our own unique brand of insanity.
He knew I was starting the second blog. He observed me making preparations, penciling ideas, and developing logos. Initially, I wanted to follow the dream of professional blogger with scintillating stories and advertising space. But the goal changed course and evolved into a journey of self-discovery. Since the goal change, I asked him not to visit the new site. I didn’t expect him to spend much time reading, he hardly looks at Claw~less. It’s an outlet, I need that he doesn’t understand. Just like he needs to play computer games for hours on end, and I don’t understand.
It wasn’t a decision I took lightly. It’s difficult to ask the one you love for space. I knew he was hurt by my request, and I tried to explain, I need more than this city offers, I have no intentions of maligning his family. I discuss issues as they relate to me. I explained the need to contemplate my emotions, and by him reading it out of context or long after the fact might result in misdirected feelings over things past and resolved. I love him and I trust him, but I don’t think he really understands why I need this.
June 11th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
He may not understand, but i do. As you know, the Mister now knows that i blog, after not telling him for almost a year, but he does not know the URL or any of the pseudonyms i use.
The joke around our house is that i refer to him as FA, standing for Fucking Asshole. But of course i do not, because if that were true i shouldn’t be married to him.
He seems to understand my need for privacy and swears that he will not even try to look for my blog. I bet he could find it if he tried, he’s clever that way.
So i hope that your Mister can come to peace with it and understand that we all need a place to hang it all out there on the line. Especially with all that is going on with his family right now.
June 11th, 2007 at 9:27 pm
meno, he’s trying to understand. There is a part of him that wants to be my everything. He wanted to be the first to show me the west coast, he wanted to be the first person I road with in a helicopter with, and he wants to be all that I could possibly need. He’s not possessive, and he’s never tried to deprive me of other friends, but he seldom hangs out with friends without me.
His parents are that way. They have relationships within extended family but few friends. They feel guilty for having a good time if the other isn’t around. For sixty-two years they have met each others every need. Now they are practically inseparable and driving one another out of their fucking minds. Those are problems I don’t want in 25 years.
Trust is so blind, we have no choice but to trust people until they give us a reason not to.
June 11th, 2007 at 11:03 pm
As they say in the South: Sugar, I so get it. My ex is still blaming blogging for ruining our marriage instead of unzipping his pants. I find that there are 2 types of men: those who care that you blog, and those who simply do not. The date that I have Friday is probably one who would care. The Spring Fling did not care. There just has to be sacred space for me. I feel like we only have one life—one time, and that we should be able to say whatever our heart and brains want to release. It is something that I feel fiercely protective of.
June 12th, 2007 at 2:01 am
I’m with you. There are times when I regret telling anyone I know about the blog. I’ve already had a couple of awkward situations where I’ve wanted to say something about someone I know (nothing bad, and they read my blog anyway) but I feel like I can’t because someone else who knew them reads my blog as well, and there is some history between them. And, well, sometimes I just can’t speak as freely as I’d like about events in my life.
June 12th, 2007 at 8:35 am
liv, I think I’ve heard that a few times… My husband would actually fall into a third category, the kind who is mystified about it. It is important for the release. I will talk to my husband, mother etc. if WE have issues, but talking is often a last resort for me about issues that I perceive as being my own. I’ve journaled in some form since I was a teenager, and I’ve always benefited from it, when I didn’t get so disgusted with myself, and burn all my notebooks.
Nancy, blogs remind are living, growing things. You study the seed package, and you have a pretty good idea of what the banana peppers should taste like. Then they get cross-pollinated by the jalapeños and all hell breaks loose. You can always start a second blog, I’d happily post link here and at the other blog to you. Sometimes self-censorship is more difficult to mange than the imposed variety.
June 12th, 2007 at 9:01 am
I get you too. I have begun to wish I hadn’t told my husband about mine either. He doesn’t always understand the need for this privacy because he believes it is a trust issue. I have tried to help him understand that not telling him things doesn’t indicate a lack of trust but more a need to deal with things on my own terms. But it hurts him anyways.
June 12th, 2007 at 9:38 am
My husband read my blog and always said he enjoyed it, but he would often misunderstand or apply his own spin to things I wrote. I was always willing to talk to him about it, but it was a bit tedious to have him getting upset every other day. (I appreciated his input because if he was getting the wrong message then I wasn’t explaining myself very well.)
My niece was apparently a lurker until she read about my problems as a teenager, told her parents, who told my parents. My mother called me to say the niece was disturbed by what she read. I explained and said there was NO NEED to read my blog, and PLEASE DO NOT, but she went ahead anyway. My mother still hasn’t spoken to me about it, and is still reading even though she (lied) told my husband she is not reading. It’s really fucked up and I don’t have the energy to be the one to cut through all the BS. I have my own life to deal with. There are definitely things I don’t post about now, but it’s ok. I let it be a red flag to me and I just try to think about it.
June 12th, 2007 at 11:04 am
Maggie, I understand completely about dealing with things on your own terms. Denial runs rampant in Mister Hombre’s family. That is how he chooses to deal with many issues regarding his family. Denial doesn’t work for me. It eats away at my heart like a cancer. I don’t like the person I become when I cope/not cope that way. I’m sorry your husband doesn’t understand, it sounds as if he wants to be your everything, like my husband wants to be for me.
De, there are definite pros to sharing with your spouse and working out the miscommunications. I’m afraid it is the “tedious” factor you mentioned that makes me not want to go there with my husband. I value good communication, but he can be so hypersensitve to issues and accuses me of personally attacking him, the real issue is often never addressed, so for less serious matters I come to terms on my own.
I read you had issues with your family and blog, but I had no idea to the extent. It’s a shame people blame others for their personal lack of restraint. I’m sorry that you can’t fully capitalize on the release potential of your blog. Some people need drama, others need closure.