I’ve committed plenty of contemptuous acts.

When I was seven I cut a single thread on an afghan my mother was crocheting with a pair of toenail scissors. I wasn’t fueled by maliciousness, but by childish curiosity. Do those curved blades really cut? And what harm can it do to trim a single thread? Within a day, my mother inquired about it, and I denied everything. No repercussion came of it, but I am 34 now, and I still remember the transgression, and the look on her face when she asked. I never apologized, but I should have, once I understood the consequences.

When I was sixteen, my sister had a date. At the time this was such a rare occurrence, my parents were absolutely ecstatic about the prospect. I overheard chat about the upcoming date, but I was never engaged. It seems the date was an open ended arrangement. A mutual meeting place? Or maybe an I’ll call with details? Anywho, I was the only one home when the guy called (in those dark days prior to cell phone availability). I answered all the his inquiries, but I but volunteered nothing, such as a number where my sister could be reached, or the fact he called. My passive aggressive receptionist skills only delayed their meeting, by no means did it sabotage destiny.

My Mother asked later, why? I’m pretty sure I was obtuse about the matter, and replied something hormonally astute, like, I dunno. I knew exactly what I was doing. My sister was the same person who sold me out to our parents frequently during childhood. In addition to making me spend hours waiting in the car during the stifling heat while she hung out in her friend’s house after school, and demanded I lie on her behalf. Hmmm. I’m still not sorry about that incident. I love my sister, but business is business when you are competing siblings.

********
When I was ten, I read my grandmother’s Redbook magazines. Mostly, because they contained articles about sex. Pretty risqué in the time before preteens were commonly witnessed dressing like skanks. Particularly the one about gripping your partners member with more attention than you would offer a tennis racket. After reading about sex, I would drift into the psychology articles. One quotation, has been embedded in my head for the last twenty-five years, “Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they are just feelings”. People can get wrapped around the axle about what you feel, rather than concerning themselves with the real problem, which is why you feel that way in the first place.

Reconciling this with my life has been difficult. Perhaps, it is the geographical curse passed down from one generation to another, that implies gratuitous apologies are an effective tool for manipulating people into submitting to one’s agenda. I too, have apologized for acts which were neither of my will, nor my thoughtlessness. Why?

I suspect I learned by example, watching my mother and grandmother, manipulate situations to achieve the results they desired. I’m not casting blame upon either generation. It was a different time, a time in which directness was considered gauche, and women were expected to maintain a certain level of submissiveness. It was imperative they develop skillz, if they were to be considered at all.

Why should anyone be guilted in apologizing for the way the feel? To admit culpability is like offering remorse for that which one has no control over. Feelings are like incontinence, or karma. The manner in which one projects or responds to feelings is another issue, an issue in which atonement and actions are relevant.

********

There are two common approaches to apology. One is the genuine, heartfelt gesture which truly accepts culpability for a misdeed, and denotes a genuine desire not to commit the offending act in the future. The other is the obligatory gesture, that implies one is only issuing the statement, because one has been caught with his or her hand in the cookie jar. It isn’t an apology for action, but an apology for being caught. Both are sincere, but one is based on accountability, the other upon guilt.

I offer no apologies to family, implicit, or otherwise, for words or feelings expressed in this space. I refuse to be remorseful for emotions felt, nor will I allow your invasion of privacy or potential hurt dictate my feelings, or inhibit my freedom of speech. I am, and will always be above your influence.